I got back yesterday from Thanksgiving break and now it’s the final stretch of the semester. I’m really excited to be back with my friends because (sorry but) they’re so much better than my friends from home — well except my best best friends of course… I mean the people I “party” with at home are terrible. It’s not even fun. I did have a “relapse” if you will and binge ate BAD Thursday and Friday, grossly resulting in a 5 pound increase but I’m thinking positive and moving forward from it. Coming back to school doesn’t mean just coming back to party and work on my body, though. The main thing is school and I know the rest of the semester is going to be hell. I just need to focus and push it out with the remaining 3 weeks. I know I won’t regret it if I try really hard and your grades are solid in stone so hard work is completely worth it. The weeks in between Thanksgiving and Winter break are ALWAYS the worst. The key is to try to get as much done during Thanksgiving break as you can- but that’s way easier said than done. I got some stuff done but I mostly just relaxed and hung out. Now that I’m back I’m back on my grind and am more in the mode to do work. This semester has been brutal for me but knowing that it’s getting closer and closer to the end is all the determination I need to stick it out and do my best.

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I was having a rough time between schoolwork, my weight, and guys (kind of I guess) and when multiple things aren’t going your way, it really affects your life. I know I couldn’t be happy going out and partying until I was happy with myself. I wanted to just suck it up and get my life back on track- then I could truly experience happiness and go out carefree.

First- my grades. The beginning of the semester I didn’t do so hot with my exam scores, assignment scores, and whatnot. It’s not like I didn’t try but I know I could do better. I did average but I’m psycho and really care about my grades and DEFINITELY want to do better than average. I really started focusing in on my schoolwork and I’ve had a complete turn around- my grades have been a lot better and I’m much happier. I always am good at doing my school work but this time I studied/worked on assignments smarter not longer necessarily. I figured out the proper to way to tackle studying based on the professor and was a lot more successful.

Second- my weight. We all know I am notorious for binge drunk eating. It’s absolutely disgusting. I am the most disciplined person during the week but when the ease of the weekend rolls around, I somehow lose control. Some weekends I’m better than other but the last 2 weekends were atrocious (not the one that just happened but the 2 before that). I constantly was eating- I wasn’t even hungry but I kept eating. It’s definitely because I limit myself so much so I lose control but there really is no excuse for that gross behavior. I could have been at a little weight much earlier if I just cut it out. Anyway, I know if I get down to my goal weight I can drink and not worry about it because I know how to cut that weight out during the week. The problem was getting to my goal weight. Any time I would be like 5 pounds away, the weekend would hit and I would gain 5 pounds. SO last weekend I just smoked and didn’t eat so I didn’t gain any weight and I’m currently 2 pounds away from my goal weight. I’m leaving today for Thanksgiving break so I don’t have to worry about drinking pressure. So hopefully I’ll be at the weight I want to be when I get back. That’s my number one worry in life so when I have that figured out, I’ll be good.

The last part goes with the weight…I can’t seek out people to talk to if I’m feeling really self conscious. I just had to get back to where I’m confident and then I’ll get out there. Sooo I’m hoping after break I can finally get out there again. When I’m over my goal weight I feel so unattractive and that no one will want me. I know seeing yourself is a lot different than how other people perceive you but I can REALLY tell the difference of my body (especially my face) with just a few pounds.

Anyway- I’m happy I’m getting my life back together because staying home instead of going out and avoiding situations where I think I might eff up my diet, etc. really cuts in to my social life. I want my freedom back!

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ps. I won’t be blogging over Turkey Break so I will be returning the 26th!! Have a good holiday!

I was gonna write my blog post…until I got high………..

I took 2 exams last week which I completely freaked out about to you guys. I had my advertising and promotions exam Monday and my Business Law exam on Thursday. My slow as shit professor for a&p STILL has not given us our scores back BUT last night I received my BLaw score and….I got a 93!! I got a text from my friend in the class saying the scores were up and what he got. I went to check and mine still wasn’t entered yet so I was just sitting there, panicking, refreshing the page over and over. I was so so happy, jumping up and down. If you recall, I had this exam the day after my roommate turned 21 so I had to take a huge chunk of my studying time out to go to her pregame. I’m so happy in the end I did well, though. I only have one more exam in that class and I’m DONE! I hope I can do as well on the final as I did on the second one. The first exam I got an 80 so even though a 93 is really good, my first score really brings down the average. I don’t want to think negative like that, though, because I’m still thrilled and it’s better for me to get this 93 than get an 80 or something around there where my average wouldn’t get yanked up as much as it did.I worked really hard and tried really hard to do well so it really shows hard work pays off. I literally spent the entire day before the exam (aka through my 2 classes before) studying my butt off and looking at not only the notes but the cases in the book and online. I know that probably doesn’t mean shit to you since you don’t know the course or the professor so I’ll just stop now but my point is- use your resources! Get deep in to studying. If you can do more, do it! It’ll pay off in the end.

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As Thanksgiving break is approaching, I’m really pushing hard to cut those last couple of pounds. Also, since I’m going home, I have more time to lose the weight without having the pressure of going out and drinking. The last 5 pounds are the absolute hardest and you really need to work to get there. I’m glad I’m semi close to my goal weight because I really got chubbier over the summer and it was embarrassing for all the people at home see me get that large because I worked SO hard the summer before to get skinny and people noticed that I did, but then I blew IT and blew UP even worse than I was before. I don’t ever want to go back to that place again. If I think of all the binge eating and poor dieting choices I made, though, it sickens me. I was scarfing down food for the sake of it and was not conscious of my food choices at all. I either go all in or all out clearly because I’m so strict now when I’m focused but when I decide “f*ck it!!” then I go crazy. I just need to keep my eye on the prize and stay determined, Even when I get to my goal weight I need to be mindful what I’m eating so the numbers don’t creep up again. I’m telling you there’s nothing more disappointing then completely spoiling all the hard work you’ve put it. I’ve gone through it 2 times and it is truly devastating. I don’t want to have to spend next summer extremely dieting and avoiding going out so I can lose weight. Once I’m at my goal I’ll have some more leeway and that’s what I want! Like losing weight requires SO much more hard work than maintenance. I’m PRAYING this break will get me back to the place I want to be- or at least close. I’m hopeful !!

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So I made it through the weekend without binge eating, which makes me so happy because I just needed to suck it up one weekend and be careful. See, last year I used to gain 5 pounds in a weekend but I could easily burn it off all throughout the week so I was always set. Since I didn’t start at my goal weight, if I would gain 5 I would get down to just the weight I was before- which is 5 more pounds than I want. SO I took a break this weekend and pulled it off and I leave for Thanksgiving break on Thursday so I won’t be as pressured to drink. I don’t even care that I didn’t drink this weekend but it wasn’t even fun, like I expected. Friday night they literally drank and the 21 year olds went to the bar and everyone else did nothing and then last night we went to the rugby boys’ apartment and it was SO boring. I would have been so pissed if I drank. Half the time when I binge eat is when I had a really crappy time and those were both crappy nights so I most likely would have drunk ate. I’m really getting sick of the boys and when I drink after Thanksgiving break, I do not want it to be wasted on them. I want to drink with purpose. They used to be so much more fun and now theyre blah. I don’t know if it’s because now we’re just friends with them and they don’t seem as compelled to show us a good time or because they’re all in apartments this year and not houses like previous years. Either way, they gotta step their game up because I can’t do this every weekend. I wanna have FUNNNNNN! So hopefully they get it together but it was okay they sucked this weekend because it just validated my point and made it easier for me not to drink…BUT in the future they need to not be so dull.

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I have been ranting on and on about how this semester is hell. The work never ends and I’m constantly doing something. It’s really stressful and after being so exhausted from stressing out and doing work, I just feel like chillin and relaxing. I don’t even feel like going out and being crazy. It’s sad but I get it… Sooo Thursday everyone went out and I stayed in and smoked alone. That sounds pathetic but my brain was so shot from my exam, there was no way I could do anything but rest my body and mind. Also, my best friend here has mono so she can’t drink for a little while and I told her I’d just smoke behind her. Therefore, between the stress of school, having Emily not drinking and not wanting her to feel left out, and alsoooo me not wanting to binge eat/drink so ill be skinny when I go home to see my family and friends from home (Okay that was definitely a run-on sentence hahah). So I’ve been using all my reasons to guide me to just smoke this weekend. If there were actual fun parties going on I’d probably still drink but last weekend I went out even when I felt sick and it wasn’t fun at all… Complete waste. I was so pissed. And Amy just turned 21 so I assumed they’d just go to the bars. They all went to the bar at 5:30 because it was nice out for a little happy hour and that’s when I knew the night was going downhill. They still attempted to go out but the 21 year olds went to the bar and the underagers were effed. Emma and I smoked and were too high to go out and good thing we didn’t waste the night by drinking because Brittany and Gabriella were trying to find something to do and couldn’t so they stayed in and made food. Sooo they drank at home and stayed and just ate food. Just what I’d be pissed if I participated in. When I smoke I never feel like its wasted because you always have fun smoking, even if you’re just staring at a wall. Now I may seem lame but until people start actually doing fun things I don’t even care. And on top of that this weekend, its a canning weekend so a lot of people aren’t here. I think my decision is smart. I just gotta suck it up one weekend for schoolwork and not gaining weight and it’ll be worth it in the end. And smoking is awesome so I’m still having a great time. The state of mind I’ve been in, it’s actually probably more fun for me to just smoke so this is for the better.

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I meant to post this yesterday right after my exam finished but my brain was just too shot to remember to do it. So, I FINALLY finished up my hell week yesterday with my business law exam. I was super worried about it and knew I HAD to do well. At this point I just want my score back to complete the torturous promise and for it to be over but it always takes so long ;/ And I’m also still waiting on my exam score from my exam I took on Monday. Anyway, I was so happy yesterday when I turned it up BUTTT I now have a million and one things to do for my group projects. This semester is so much for me. I have quizzes or exams in every single class that I need to study for and then on top of that 3/5 of them have HUGE group projects so I constantly have work to do. And those classes that don’t have group projects have other individual projects too so it’s just like AHHH I need a break!!

On a more positive note, though, after my exam I had the pleasure of seeing one of my favorite people in the entire world speak…Tim Gunn!! He’s the super adorable consultant on Project Runway that always says “make it work!” My sister and I always used to watch that show together and it was really awesome to hear him speak in person. He’s not only adorable but really funny and has the most intricate vocabulary I’ve ever heard, which makes it even more pleasing, hearing him speak. It was definitely a great, uplifting experience after being so stressed out. He kept emphasizing just being who you are and owning it.

After Tim, it was about 9:30 and all my friends wanted to go out but I was mentally and physically checked out from my exam so I just stayed in and smoked by myself and watched a movie. It was exactly what I needed and I’m so glad I did that.

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Nope, not me, but my roommate Amy is turning 21 tonight at midnight! We both are criminals and have racked up the underages so this is a beauteous day for her. I have an exam in my toughest class tomorrow so I’m gonna go and hang out but just not drink. It sucks but I got to be responsible. Ill have plenty of opportunities to drink but this test will make or break my grade. Our grade is based solely on our three exams and nothing else, with no curve so you HAVE to do well on each exam. Plus, the exams are comprised of only 30 questions so if you miss a few you’re fucked. Anyway, I’m just glad I’m not 21 yet so I’m not obliged to go out with her to the bars to keep celebrating. Also since Emma has mono we’ll be able to hang out. Ugh the life of the responsible …..

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I have been so incredibly busy between being sick and schoolwork. I know I’ve been sucking a lot and I cannot see myself getting any better this week. I didn’t go out Wednesday or Thursday but I couldn’t resist going out Friday and Saturday. Both nights were mediocre and I’m actually pissed I went out because they weren’t really worth it. I also drunk ate both nights and feel horrible about myself. I had one exam today and I have a test in my hardest class, Business Law, on Thursday. Soooo I’ve just been super busy studying and trying to get my shit together. However…we JUST signed our lease for our house next year which is super exciting. Our landlord is a freaking weirdo but we were so late in the game that we took anything we could get. We were just happy we got to all live together for our last year. I wasn’t so much in to the house movement but the more we got in to it, the more I got excited. (Plus, I won’t have to live with Jessica anymore hehe- I’m such a bitch but I would probably go crazy if I had to live with her again.) I get my own room, too, which is AWESOME. I wanted my own room so bad and I finally got it. I think it’s gonna be really fun and no matter the condition of the house, we’ll always make it work. Well that’s just me checking in, I gotta go study some more (shoot me now) but hopefully I can step up my blogging game for ya!

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